I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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