i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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