life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
