me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
3 2 1 whiskey
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
