I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
