uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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