I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
