drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
