dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
