I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
