You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
