After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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