i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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