and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
