just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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