So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
