absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
