Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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