I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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