We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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