I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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