so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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