I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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