she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
