I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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