I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
