nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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