happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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