awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
