I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
