I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
