I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
