Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
