Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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