sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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