Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
