I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
