You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
