ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Less talking, more tequila
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
