i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How does one acquire holy water?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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