I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
