Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
