I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
