I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
