You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
