I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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