I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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