I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
