So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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