i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
