Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
and you fell through a lawn chair
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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