is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We just shotgunned beers for America
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
