she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
this boner is exhausting
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
